I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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