update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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