I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
