Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
