i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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