According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
