Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
