Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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