I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
