lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
