so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
