I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have aggressive nipples.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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