You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
