You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
