haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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