so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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