I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
