Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
