Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
