i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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