I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
as a side note pls kill me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
