i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
