This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
