I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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