I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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