...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
