i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
