well I can't set my house on fire every night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
