i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
