dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
