i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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