I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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