Soap is not a condiment
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
