Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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