I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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