2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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