I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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