It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
