I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
