3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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