We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
