you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
