I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
