I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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