you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
