I bet he comes in French.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
