why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
