That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
