you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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