I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
