Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
